Chapter 7. Beautiful Soul and Small Eyes

7

That day I went back home feeling somehow different than how I usually feel. The small rented room I sleep in didn't seem as gloomy as it had always been.

I crashed myself onto my bed and let that foreign feeling radiates to every bit of my body, from the tip of hair to the tip of my toe. It was a Saturday night, no school tomorrow and I didn't have to wake up early. I decided to go out and see the town through some beer glasses.

I took a semi-long warm shower, put on a sexy backless green dress that showed a little of my cleavage and thighs. The wings tattooed on to my back were revealed and I liked it that way, so instead of letting my hair down, I tied it up in somewhat of a bun.

For a while I thought of calling one of my fellow teachers whom I knew always an angel at school and a devil when the weekend comes. She was a happy go lucky girl who can be pretty diplomatic. It was hard to now her real character, she was like a chameleon and turns into what she needs to be to blend in. However, I never felt threatened by her; perhaps because she never really bothered to ask about my life and pretend to be interested like most people do.

At last I decided I wanted to go alone, I took her number with me just incase I changed my mind and wanted some company.

I went to grab dinner first at a traditional serving resto that had became very popular among the youngsters. And the first person I met there was none other than Mauryn, the fellow teacher I was thinking about calling earlier. I guess it's true what they say, whisper to the universe, you'll always be heard.

She was excited to meet me, she was with some friends and her boyfriend, and knowing I went out alone; she forced me and even pleaded me to join them. Well, after all the pleading, I can't really refuse them.

The night was awesome. We went to this bar where they serve cheap wine produced in Thailand itself. The wine tasted sweet and gets you real high real quick. Mauryn knew the bar owner and everyone there, she said she hang out there most of her free time.

We drank, we danced, and we played some drinking games and drank some more. I was laughing until my cheek hurt and my stomach cramped. The night was so much fun, I did not want it to end.

At 4 a.m. when the bar finally closed and we were chased out, we went to a 24 hour mart and bought sandwiches, chips and anything we could eat, and head out to sit in the park near there. We ate our junk food waiting for the sun to rise.

"You are so much fun Emma, how come we never hung out before?" Mauryn asked with her slurry speech (still a little too drunk)

I laughed without an answer

"You know, I can see that you are a beautiful person..." she added

"Why thank you, I think my eyes are a little small, but thank you..." I said gesturing a thank you with my hand waves.

"No... Not your physical appearance, your soul... its radiant... with shiny beautiful colors." she said and started laughing and giggling.

I laughed and laughed, I didn't understand what she was trying to say and so I just laughed cause I thought it was funny.

She suddenly hugged me and kissed my cheek… “Emma, you are beautiful, your soul is so beautiful…” she said and hugged me tighter. She let me go and her hands danced around my head, “your aura… so colorful… you have been through a lot haven’t you?” she asked

“It’s funny… I met this guy earlier and he said the same thing…” I said remembering what David said earlier this afternoon.

“Awww… see, you are glowing…” she said and kissed my cheek again.

Then James, Mauryn’s boyfriend, suggested that we sneak in to one of the villas there and use the swimming pool. We all, like fools, sneaked into this huge villa and swam in our underwear’s and even skinny dipping. We sobered up after the swim and saw the sunrise then we all went to our respective homes and slept like drunken babies.

Chapter 6. Don't Judge A Candy By Its Color

6

The next morning was a Saturday morning. Not knowing what to do that day, I laid in bed till noon. I thought about these past two days; my encounter with the hobo, who by the way, I did not know his name yet. The conversations we had, the box of candies he had.

Yes, the candies, I remembered the taste of the cantaloupe, the taste of the fresh strawberries, it made me smile. The smile, started on face radiated to my whole body and soul. I felt excited. I remembered the colors of those candies in the box, and wondered what other tasted like.

I shall try the brown one today, I heard myself thinking. It must be of a chocolate taste. My smile grew wider as I thought of the chocolate taste, and my excitement grew as curiosity filled me. I wonder if my guess was true.

He was already sitting on the bench when I reached there. I could hear a soft snore; he must have dozed off waiting for me, I thought. Not wanting to wake him up, I sat as quietly as possible next to him.

I hadn't waited for more than 5 minutes when he opened his eyes. He did some stretching; twisted his body in a very odd way, yawning as he did so. As soon as he realized he wasn't alone, he looked at me and laughed his crispy laugh that has now been recorded to my brain.

"Did you wait long, bella?" He asked, addressing me as ‘bella’, which means beautiful girl in Italian.

I shook my head in response.

"It's such a beautiful day out here today, so comforting. The sun is pleasant and I can't help but let myself swim into the world of dreams." He said.

I commented nothing.

"What did you do today?" He asked me, looking into my eyes with curiosity.

"Any adventures?" He asked again before I could even answer the first one.

"Nah, just lay in bed. Didn't know what to do."

"What a waste..." he shook his head. "So many adventures to conquer, so many people to meet, so many stories to tell; and you just lay in bed?" His tone wasn't judgmental; it was more like sad and trying to understand why I chose to stay in bed that day.

"I didn't know what to do that I haven't done before. The routine is starting to get boring." I paused. "I'm not used to routines, my life has always been jumping from one place to another. One adventure to another, I have never stopped for this long before." I said.

"So sticking to a routine is something new to you?"

"I guess so... Yeah..."

"It's an experience then, isn't it?"

"Hmmm...." I didn't know what to say, how is sticking to a routine an experience?

"Every new thing you do that you have never done before would be considered an experience, agree?" He asked, trying to explain.

I thought for a while then I nodded. Let's see where is he going with this, I thought.

"And every new experience is an adventure of life." He concluded. "So there, an adventure right there all along, you just didn't bother to notice it."

I looked at him as if he was a mad man, but my brain was processing what he said and funny that it made sense. I smiled at him. The smile grew wider when he smiled back, and without knowing we both busted into fits of laughter.

When the laughter ceased, he took out his box of candies. At the sight of the wooden box, I could feel my heart thumping in my ears. 'Brown one! The brown one!!!' I hear my brain whispered, reminding me of what I had thought about earlier.

My hands started to trembled. The excitement kicked in; this time it was curiosity that filled my veins. I wanted to know, to make sure if my guess was right: brown = chocolate.

He laughed as he saw how excited I was. I felt a little bit embarrassed.

"I wanted to know if I could guess the taste from the color." I explained in hope he would understand.

He didn't stop laughing but he nodded and opened the wooden case.

I looked at the colors; so many of them and looked for the brown one. There were two of them, light brown and a darker one. I chose the lighter one.

As the candy touched my tongue I expected a sweet bitter taste of chocolate, but instead it was mocha, Coffee with chocolate. My eyes widened and I turned and looked at the hobo with surprise.

He chuckled, "Not as u expected huh?"

I shook my head.

"You know, they say don't judge a book by its cover, don't judge the taste by its color." he said and I raised my eyebrow.

"Every time you make a judgment about something, you create a picture and unreliable fact in your brain, and that image stays. So when it turned out to be not as you expected, you can’t enjoy it as you should. Instead you are filled with disappointment." He paused. "Well sometimes with good surprises. But still, it would be hard for you to accept it as it is because you already have an image of it which is hard to change or erase."

"What most people forget is that the world keeps on turning and nothing stays the same. So don't train your brain to create a picture of something or to judge or to think two steps ahead. Nothing is ever as what you think it is.

"Just relax, enjoy the flow and all you will experience is the excitement you seek."

I frowned.

"Bella, the world is a wonderland only if you want it to be that way. Stop trying to analyze everything. Stop trying so hard to figure things out. Sometimes you are not meant to know what you don't know." he continued.

His words were wise, I knew, but I just had to challenge what he said.

"If you do not at least try to know what's waiting for you, how are you going to be prepared?" I asked.

"It's like going for an exam; you don't know what questions are going to be given, so you study everything. You prepare for the worse and you are ready for anything. Just like that, you should always be prepared for anything that comes. Surprises are always around the corner."

"I was kicked out of school in my freshmen year, I can’t recall having an examination, let alone remember how I felt or what I did f or it." I said coldly.

"Do you surf?" He asked.

"Yea..."

"Well, it’s just like surfing, or playing in the sea, you never know when the tides are gonna hit you. You never know if the next wave is the one you wanna catch to surf or not. And so you are always prepared. You don't let your guard down, you never know when the huge tide is gonna hit you. That my dear is an analogy of life."

I didn't say anything to that. We sat silently to his words; I let it the taste of mocha seeps through my taste buds while his words were trying to make sense in my brain. He didn't say nothing neither, he just stared ahead; as if giving me my time to process.

After a while we started talking again. Although, none of any philosophical importance. I asked him his name; at last, it was David. When I asked him where he was from, he said he traveled so much, even when he was still a baby (Traveling hippie parents), that he didn't remember his origin. He was proud to be a man of all origins. Not to my surprise he could talk in almost all of the languages I could think of.

He asked me where I came from and about my family. He smiled widened when I started talking about Ramon. He said I was more alive than he ever saw me when I was bragging about my brother. He knew from the way I spoke about Ramon that he was the important person in my life.

Chapter 5. Strawberries

5

The next day, as I walked home from school, I stopped at my favorite park. I stood a while before entering; he is going to be there, waiting for me with a box of candy that I'm eager to try 1 from.

I walked into the park, straight to where my favorite bench was. It was empty. I took a seat and thought he might be running late, I should wait. So I waited.

As I waited, I looked around and saw children playing, couples holding hands, old people just sitting enjoying the smooth breeze of the evening. It was a picture I come across everyday, but only today did I notice it.

I waited for the old hobo for ten minutes, half an hour, an hour… until I decided he wasn’t going to show. What was I expecting anyways, he was a homeless hobo, he could be a liar too.

The sun was almost setting when I finally stood up and was about to leave when his voice stopped me.

“You waited!” The old guy said. “I’m sorry, I got caught up with work.”

Work? He has work? It didn’t seem to add up, but I commented nothing.

“I was afraid you would have left, but you were patient.” He continued.

“I have nothing to do anyways.” I said simply. He took a seat next to me.

“What did you do while waiting?” He asked

“Nothing in particular, just here, noticing things.”

“What things?”

“The usual: children playing, couples being romantic and all that…”

“And the colors?”

“Colors? What colors?” I wondered if he was referring to the color of the sky, the trees, and the flowers. But somehow I felt he meant something else.

“The colors of their auras.” He said. I looked at him confused. “You see, life is filled with colors, so are we and our souls. Every emotion we have has its own color. Every thing we endure, every moment we have, puts another color in our soul that projects to our aura.” He explained.

“So did you noticed the colors?” he asked again.

“No, I don’t think so…”

“How did you feel when you were noticing them?”

“Feel? Nothing I guess…” I paused. “Although, I realized that although every day I come here and come across the same scenes, today it was different. I guess I didn’t leave earlier because it made me feel warm.”

The hobo laughed. “Every day you come here, you were always occupied with thoughts of you; everything becomes blur, it’s like you are swimming but you don’t realize that you are soaked wet. Today, it wasn’t thoughts of you that made you sit here; you were waiting for me. Thus, for once you actually took in this picture that you see everyday. Today, you saw the colors.” He said.

I just kept quiet, although me ego did not want to admit it, what he said made sense.

As if he knew what was in my head he laughed, “You are just a child, still so much to learn, so much to see.” He said. Then he took out the box of candy he had, opened the lid and offered it to me. “Here, chose one.”

I took the pink colored one. I felt my self got excited. I wanted to know what the candy would taste like. I felt my blood rushing to my head and my heart was thumping a little harder. It was a feeling I have long lost. Before I could stop it, I felt a smile curled up on my face.

It was strawberry; the candy, as it melted in my mouth, I tasted fresh strawberries. Like those freshly picked. For a moment I closed my eyes just to let the taste stay in my mouth and fills my soul.

“Strawberries; a little sour, a little sweet, just like life, don’t you think?”

I said nothing, but I just smiled.

“You have a beautiful smile, young lady” he said. “Do you realize that this is the first time you smiled at me?”

I realized something else, I realized it was the first time in a long time did I smile whole-heartedly. And I realized I missed that feeling, and I realized I liked it.

“Thank you.” I said.

“Oh don’t thank me yet, just keep smiling and you will see wonders.” He smiled and I noticed his eyes shone. “So I meet you here tomorrow, same time? I promise I won’t be late.” I smiled and nodded.

Chapter 4. The Stranger and His Candies

4

Suddenly I heard a laugh, a soft sarcastic laugh. I knew it was meant for me.

I looked to my right; an old guy was sitting there. He looked like a hippie, dressed like a hippie and seemed like he had not showered in days. He wasn’t Thainese; he looked more like a black African man.

"What are you laughing about?" I challenged him.

"I'm laughing at you, don't you know." He laughed. I could see his rotten black teeth inside his mouth.

I didn't say a thing; I just stood up. Since I was a kid, when what I had planned went wrong, I would just take off. So that was what I did.

“Oh, don't be so sensitive. Come sit down here." he said and patted the bench just near him. I stopped and hesitated.

"Come child, tell me what bothers you, I promise to listen..." he said.

"Nothing bothers me!!!" I snapped

"Then, why do you wanna end your life and lose all this beauty?" he asked while gesturing to the nature around.

"The beauty doesn't excite me anymore."

"I know people like you." He stood up and stood next to me. I guessed he thought if I wasn't going to sit, he might as well stand. "You conquered all your dreams and nothing is left now."

That sentence made me look at him. He was smiling. His face and cloths and everything about him were dirty. Smell of whisky reeked from his every pore. He was a homeless hippie, yet there was something about his smile that made me relax. Something about him seemed bright.

"Here, have a candy." he shoved a box of candies towards me. The candies in that box were colorful. I looked at it and noticed there were no two candies with the same color. There must be more than a dozen candies in that box and none of them were of the same color.

I was impressed. There were colors that I had never seen before. There were so many colors.

"The colors ei..." the man commented when after a few seconds I still hadn't taken one. "They make u wonder what else out there u haven't seen, or you haven't known of." He laughed his dry laugh until he coughed.

"Yea..." I answered weakly. What he said was true; I wondered if I had seen the entire world, how did I miss these colors?

"Take one, eat it!" he ordered.

I took the light green colored one and put it in my mouth. The moment the candy entered my mouth I smelled and tasted cantaloupe. The flavored not only watered my mouth but I felt it rush through my veins to all corners of my blood stream.

I looked at the old man and his smile was bigger.

"You like it?" he asked.

I nodded.

"Cantaloupes have flavor that never fails to cheer you up and makes you wanna dance. Am I right?"

I nodded once again.

"Take another one..." he said when I finished what was in my mouth. I looked at him confused, uncertain what he was up to. "Just take another one" he insisted.

I took the yellow one. It tasted of bananas; I threw it out immediately; I dislike bananas.

The old man laughed so hard, I thought he was going to die laughing.

"I dislike bananas..." I said.

He nodded... then sat down.

"Sit down..." he ordered. I sat next to him. I looked at the box of candies, I wanted to take another one; not because I wanted a candy, but I wanted to know what the red colored tasted like.

"You wanna tell me now what bothers you?"

I kept silence.

"You wanna have another candy?" He offered.

"Yes, may I?"

"No!" He snapped then laughed. "I will give you another one if you come to meet me again tomorrow, here at this time." He said then stood up and left. I looked at him confused.

Chapter 3. Away From Home

3

I worked as a waitress in England, until I got enough money to continue my travels. I traveled around Europe, went to the big USA, South America, South Africa, Africa then all the way back to Asia. I only stopped more than 2 weeks in one place when I had to work to get enough money to continue.

Now at the age of 21, I would say, I have traveled all around the globe. I had done all I wanted and my dreams all came true. And now at age 21, stopping in a small town in Thailand, I ask myself: "Now What?"

"Now What? Now What? Where should I go, what should I do?" I often ask myself all the time. I felt there was nothing else to conquer, no desire to satisfy, no dream to make it come true, no1 to live for or to die for, and just like that life seems empty.

All the excitement, the adrenalin, the rush I had loved so much, and the rush I craved for every-time I stepped on a new place, or when I did a new stunt, a new adventure, all of that just vanished. All the colors I enjoyed so much just seems blur. All that what had mattered and kept me going is now just an ordinary feeling.

‘Done there, did that’ is a phrase I use a lot lately, and that made me realize, perhaps there is nothing more in this world to see, nothing more to life.

I’m working as an elementary school teacher here in Thailand. I teach English and Geography, least to my surprise.

Everyday I meet those kids, full of life, full of excitement, and full of expectations for tomorrow. Their gratitude towards something they just learned and their eagerness for the next chapter made me envious. I stopped feeling that, and I envy those kids to still have that light in their eyes.

After 2 months and 2 weeks I worked there, meeting them everyday and feeling what I feel everyday, I decided that life is not worth living anymore.

There is no reason to continue my life; no reasons to wake up in the morning, no drive to still keep going.

So everyday after school, I would stop at my favorite park and sit on my favorite bench and think of ways to end my life.

At first I thought; it should be quick, painless and no embarrassment. Then I thought, I've been through a lot, a little pain wouldn't matter.

After a good consideration and re-consideration I decided I want to see some blood. I decided I would slit my wrist in that park I love spending time with.

So that day I walk home from school, I stop at that favorite park of mine, with a determination to end my life.

I took a seat on my favorite bench. It’s under a huge tree, at a corner, hidden from the entire crowd and laughter in the park. I look around and took a deep breath. I want to enjoy the beauty of the place one more time, smell the scent of living one more time.

Then I took out a surgical knife which I had bought from a near by medical supplier store. Ramon once told me there was no other blade sharper than a surgical blade. I stuck the blade to my wrist, deciding how to slit it. The cold from the metal rushed to my skin and sent a chill down my back.