Chapter 3. Away From Home

3

I worked as a waitress in England, until I got enough money to continue my travels. I traveled around Europe, went to the big USA, South America, South Africa, Africa then all the way back to Asia. I only stopped more than 2 weeks in one place when I had to work to get enough money to continue.

Now at the age of 21, I would say, I have traveled all around the globe. I had done all I wanted and my dreams all came true. And now at age 21, stopping in a small town in Thailand, I ask myself: "Now What?"

"Now What? Now What? Where should I go, what should I do?" I often ask myself all the time. I felt there was nothing else to conquer, no desire to satisfy, no dream to make it come true, no1 to live for or to die for, and just like that life seems empty.

All the excitement, the adrenalin, the rush I had loved so much, and the rush I craved for every-time I stepped on a new place, or when I did a new stunt, a new adventure, all of that just vanished. All the colors I enjoyed so much just seems blur. All that what had mattered and kept me going is now just an ordinary feeling.

‘Done there, did that’ is a phrase I use a lot lately, and that made me realize, perhaps there is nothing more in this world to see, nothing more to life.

I’m working as an elementary school teacher here in Thailand. I teach English and Geography, least to my surprise.

Everyday I meet those kids, full of life, full of excitement, and full of expectations for tomorrow. Their gratitude towards something they just learned and their eagerness for the next chapter made me envious. I stopped feeling that, and I envy those kids to still have that light in their eyes.

After 2 months and 2 weeks I worked there, meeting them everyday and feeling what I feel everyday, I decided that life is not worth living anymore.

There is no reason to continue my life; no reasons to wake up in the morning, no drive to still keep going.

So everyday after school, I would stop at my favorite park and sit on my favorite bench and think of ways to end my life.

At first I thought; it should be quick, painless and no embarrassment. Then I thought, I've been through a lot, a little pain wouldn't matter.

After a good consideration and re-consideration I decided I want to see some blood. I decided I would slit my wrist in that park I love spending time with.

So that day I walk home from school, I stop at that favorite park of mine, with a determination to end my life.

I took a seat on my favorite bench. It’s under a huge tree, at a corner, hidden from the entire crowd and laughter in the park. I look around and took a deep breath. I want to enjoy the beauty of the place one more time, smell the scent of living one more time.

Then I took out a surgical knife which I had bought from a near by medical supplier store. Ramon once told me there was no other blade sharper than a surgical blade. I stuck the blade to my wrist, deciding how to slit it. The cold from the metal rushed to my skin and sent a chill down my back.